You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
