This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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