The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Randomize
