So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
