if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
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