I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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