Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
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