That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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