he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Randomize
