is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
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