The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
