I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
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