Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
are you so shy because you have an std?
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
