we made out on top of his cat.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Randomize
