At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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