Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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