My friends, they love my intelligence
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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