Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
