I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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