Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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