Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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