you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
