I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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