In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
