You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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