my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
