atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize