quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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