i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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