She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
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