I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
She swung at the pinata with crutches
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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