I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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