Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
