The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Hippo gnu deer
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
We talked him into tasing himself.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
