Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Randomize
