I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
We're too hungover to prance.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
lol hangovers are for mortals.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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