I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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