I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
