Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
