can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
PANTIES FOUND
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize