So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
