i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Vodka?
Forever.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
