If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
