We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
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