I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
