So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
