I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
