I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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