Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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