the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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