I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
