he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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