It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize