I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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