no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
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