i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
