I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
