I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
