I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
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