I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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