I bet he comes in French.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
