Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
