So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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