I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
