Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Randomize
