It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize