saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
We named our party play list daddy issues
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
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