Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
