So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
