Where did you get a picture of my penis
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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