First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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