if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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