I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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