I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
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