I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
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