This house was built for laser tag.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
