and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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