I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
