i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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